LGBT Adoption & Fostering Week

LGBT Adoption & Fostering Week will run from 20th-26th February this year for the very first time!

"Across the UK, agencies are looking for more adopters and foster carers from the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender communities, and they would love to tell you more about it at an event near you. At these events you can also hear from other LGBT people in your area who have formed families through adoption and fostering. You can learn about the children who need families, the process, and how adoption & fostering has changed people’s lives." ~ New Family Social

Anyone who has read my blog from the start will remember that our journey began in May 2010 when we attended an event at Ealing Council as part of their own 'Pink Families' campaign. Well, this year they have brought the event forward to align with  LGBT A&F Week. When we attended we were so inspired by the great speakers and their success stories, it was that evening we decided to begin this whole journey in the hope that one day having children might also happen for us.

Last month we received an email from the event organisers asking us if we would speak at this years event, having gone through the process with Ealing and been matched with our son in a relatively short time. Of course we were honoured to have been asked and can't wait to return - in many ways it feels like a good end to our own adoption journey.

So if anyone is reading this who is thinking themselves of adopting or fostering, I look forward to seeing you there and hope the event inspires you also.

Adoption Application Filed!

Today was a special day for our family as we filed the adoption application. Our son has been living at home with us for ten weeks now which means we can officially apply to adopt him. Of course we have had the paper work all filled in and printed off for the last week just waiting to be delivered to the Magistrates Court today.

The court will now process the application and contact the placing Local Authority for their full report which also contains a section from our Social Worker. All being well we should hear from them in a few weeks time with a date to attend the court again for our 'Celebration Day' when the adoption order is granted.

It feels like the final hurdle now, so exciting! Papa and I each stood with the little guy outside of the court and took some photos to add to his life story work. 

We're almost there!

Happy Birthday / Jelly & Jabs!

With our sons first Christmas (and our first one as a family) seeming like weeks ago, we were back home and starting to think about his first Birthday party. We decided not to go crazy with presents as he got so many presents at Christmas we still have a cupboard full of them which we will introduce over the next year.

Our flat is slightly on the cosy side, however we sill decided to invite a good number of friends and children to the Birthday tea party. His Nana came down to stay with us for the weekend and his Uncle, Auntie and Great Uncle (it's funny remembering your family with their new 'responsible' titles) were all coming too. We must have had about 20 people here all together so a really good turn out. Nana dressed the house with balloons and made signs to decorate the entrance outside. It has to be said though, the star attraction (aside from the birthday boy) was the birthday cake. A 1.5m long train with our sons photo placed in the driving seat and his name across the back (three carriages of sweeties back that is!!), all hand crafted by two very special friends.

But turning 1 is not all jelly and ice-cream, as a trip to the doctors for his 12 and 13 month booster injections which they now do all at the same time. He was such a brave little man though - I think Papa and I were more nervous but he only whimpered for a second as the nurse injected both his arms and one thigh. Such a good boy and he got two stickers to prove it!

Twas The Blog Before Christmas

Twas the blog before Christmas that never got done,

as the days slipped away with the child we had won.

The tree was aglow with bright sparkling lights,

Our home felt so warm with our boy sleeping tight.

Each night we wrapped gifts for old Santa's sleigh,

That our son would rip open, his first Christmas day!

Time to leave London, to meet Nana and the gang,

We drove home for Christmas as Chris Rea sang.

With the car fully loaded and warm as can be,

We drove through the night (stopping once for a wee)!

Nana was waiting, her home like a Grotto,

"Just look at my Grandson!" her new favourite motto.

Such joy and excitement a new baby brings,

Better than any gift ever brought by three Kings.

New Uncles and Aunties, Nana's and Great Nans,

All cooing and holding his cute tiny hands.

Needles to say he was spoilt like rotten,

A very special Christmas which will not to be forgotten.

He dressed as an Elf and he played with his toys,

Though cardboard boxes he favoured, like all little boys.

With baby asleep in his new dressing gown,

We pointed the Sat-Nav to old London town.

With our Forever Family home now nearly in sight,

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Jesus Had Two Daddies!

Week two has been all about settling into our new routine and coming down from the craziness of introductions and moving our son in - chance to finally see what our new family life is going to be like.

I was speaking to my Nana on the phone this week and she was sympathetic to the fact that my fiance and I would not be able to go out and about meeting friends as much now we were 'with child'. In fact the truth is we have never been out so much! We have always been real homebodies anyway, but everyday this week we have had coffee or lunch dates with friends who have been dying to meet the baby. I'm sure this will slow down a little once he has met his public but at the moment we are very much enjoying being 'yummy daddies'.

In other news... We have spent the last week registering our son with all the necessary medical places and have had to explain our alternative family on four occasions so far. Obviously we expect questions to be asked here and there... I guess I have just been surprised by how soon it has happened and by the people who have been most surprised to receive us.

First up, it was off to the Doctor to register our son as a new patient. After a bit of confusion and delay in getting his medical records sent through from his SW we eventually had him registered. As he has had a bit of a cold we thought we would book an appointment straight away so our Doctor could meet him and we could have a little general check-up, we also wanted to get a prescription for his milk formula powder. We wheeled the little fella into see the Doctor and Pappa began to talk to the Doctor first. Then I spoke. "Sorry, who are you?" asked the Doctor. "I'm his dad" I replied. Maybe because our son is mixed-race the Doctor assumed that Pappa was his dad and I was just a friend. You could see the thought process going on in his head before he muttered a simple "Oh... right" and carried on.

Leaving the surgery Pappa took the baby home and I stopped off at the Pharmacy to deal with the prescription. I had managed to get the Doctor to give us a three month supply to save going every week so I handed the slip to the assistant who was unsure that the item was. He asked the Pharmacist who was quick to holler across the shop "Sir, last time you're wife collected the items the next day, can you leave it with us?". I replied saying how kind that was of her but that I didn't have a wife and left it at that.

The next day I slipped out to the Dentist while the little one was having a nap and Pappa was steeping more bibs in Milton Fluid. Since moving to our current house almost 18 months ago neither of us have registered with a local Dentist so it was a good chance to sign us all up together. The receptionist couldn't understand why when I said I wanted to register my 'family' each of us had a different sir name - I think she ended up putting us all under my name because her computer system couldn't handle such a family! My fiance and I do plan to marry in the next couple of years but I will take his sir name in advance at the same time as we officially adopt our son next year so we will have just one family name - the Dentist will be happy :-)

The final an possibly the funniest 'outing' this week has been in setting up a first appointment with a local Health Visitor. Whilst at the Doctor I took down a phone number for a local children's centre where the mobile Health Visitor is based (babies are supposed to have regular visits to check their weight and make sure they are on track and meeting their development milestones etc. See here). I called up, spoke to the receptionist with a brief overview of our situation and she said the HV would call me back. Sure enough she did and I managed to arrange an appointment before our first 'LAC Review' on Friday which she was unable to attend in person (the SW's had asked we invite our HV if possible). During the call she had taken down my name, date of birth and address and the same for Pappa and our son.

My phone rang again a few hours later - it was the HV again. She asked if I could give her our sons NHS number and also Pappa's. Whilst I was looking for their numbers, I asked if she had been able to find my NHS number since she hadn't asked me for my own. She replied "no", saying that she only needed [Pappa's name] as SHE was the mother. How I laughed! Now, Pappa does have a very unusual name which I suppose could be assumed to be female, so there was no call for me to get my 'LGBT flag' out just yet. I corrected her saying he was indeed our sons "Pappa". "Oh" she replied... then who are you? "I'm his Daddy" I informed her. After a very long (#awkward) pause she reminded me of our appointment time and signed off. How funny.

Our friends who adopted last year had already warned us that they are 'outed' by their little-ones all the time and have to 'come out' themselves to complete strangers (shop staff / cashiers / old ladies / florists) on a regular basis when their children are confronted with an adult asking "where's Mummy today?" and it's certainly something that we have to be prepared to do willingly. Not because we need to justify our family to complete strangers but because we want our son to be able to confidently reply to questions like that and not have to be embarrassed or give an excuse. Hopefully if he can see we take on those questions without delay (and without becoming defensive) with a selection of honest 'stock replies' he will feel well equipped to do the same...

...Even though I'm sure children accompanied by a single female parent are not often asked where their Daddy is?! Obviously children out in public with men are all on their way to meet Mummy at the salon! 

One week in...

We have now been a family for one whole week and we are just starting to find our feet and establish a routine as first time parents learning 'on the job'. Now I totally know what friends with children mean when they say their brains have turned to mush. I'm frazzled! 

I keep walking round starting things and never getting anything done. I put the kettle in the morning and pass it three times during the day before finding a mug and tea bag, then another two hours later I re-boil it and add some milk. Then I leave it somewhere and finally drink it cold when the little fella is having a nap - craziness! Another big change to our life is washing - the machine is literally never off! We are weaning him at the moment which means a whole outfit change after every meal (for him and us!).

One questions I have been pondering lately is "who ever thought white baby bibs were a good idea?" There seems to be a toxic orange substance in all baby food that even Vanish can't fight! God knows what it does to the baby?! I have since found the answer... Milton Fluid. Yes it's sterilising fluid, however it's very handy at removing stains from clothes AND from surfaces (like high chairs).

Alas dear readers, when I'm not moaning about the mundane I assure you I am loving every minute of parenthood, and am so so happy to have such a beautiful baby boy who has totally enriched our lives and made our house a home. Nothing beats walking into the nursery on a morning to find our little boy lying on his back in his baby grow with his hands behind his head smiling up at us. We really are gushing proud parents.

In terms of our adoption journey and the next steps...

Our SW visited us the day after move in day just to check we were all OK and to run through the next steps with us. We have a visit tomorrow from our sons SW (to check he is still alive I guess?!) and then next week we have our first LAC (Looked After Child) Review at our house with our SW, our sons SW, the family finding SW and an independent adoption worker. 

We will be apply for the Adoption Order to officially adopt our son in February (10 weeks after move in day) and then it depends on the court you apply to how long it takes them to process the application. At this stage we can give him our family name and wave goodbye to social workers and local authorities unless any of us require any post-adoption support which both authorities are responsible for, for a number of years after.

Our adoption story is not over just yet, but we are certainly heading towards the final hurdle!

A Forever Family!

Today's the day... introductions are complete, now all we have to do it collect our little prince from his Foster Carers and drive home as a Forever Family.

We woke at 5am today to arrive for 9am with instructions to wait outside of the house until our sons Social Worker was present. The plan is that there should be no waiting around, no big goodbye's, not stopping for coffee - just pick up the baby and his final bag of things and leave. I can totally understand why the team want to play it this way to avoid four sobbing adults confusing such a small child given the hard work we have all done so far to make introductions as warm and seamless as possible.

However, in reality the handover was not quite as cold. When we arrived the FC's had two balloons, cards and a big bunch of flowers for us and we also had a heartfelt letter and gift to leave for them. We went into the house briefly with the SW who took a few photos to complete the final chapters of our sons life story book and without much fuss Pappa picked the little man up, we put him into his car seat and reversed out of the driveway.

I was trying to give my full attention to the baby to avoid eye contact with the FC's as we left, because I knew I would become tearful if I looked at them. Pappa was driving but became quite emotional as we were leaving and did shed a few tears - likewise both FC's were teary, understandably so as we drove off with the little boy they had raised since he was just 8 hours old.

So 18 months after starting our adoption journey (plus 40 hours on the road during introductions!) we were finally driving home with our son - just amazing!

We were both nervous to finally have him at home and not be returning him to anyone that night but luckily he slept right through, only waking once in the night for a bottle as he usually does anyway.

... Let family life begin!

Intro Day 7: Final day of Intros

To day was the last day of introductions and luckily we didn't have to do the drive in the morning this time and the FC's brought our baby to us - again part of the 'baby psychology' plan. They were due at our place at 11am, but arrived a little earlier so as I was taking out the rubbish bags I was greeted by the FC carrying my little boy down the path in a carry cot, "Here's you're little Prince" they announced. They didn't stay as the plan for for us to return him late afternoon for the last time before returning tomorrow morning for the big handover.

After lunch the three of us took the dogs for a little walk and came home for a more relaxed afternoon than the previous days we had spent out and about. We watched cartoons, played with the dogs and some of his toys on the new rug we had bought for the lounge floor ('Anti-slip' socks have also been bought to avoid any accidents as he learns to walk on our laminate floors).

After a little nap in his nursery it was time to hit the road. On top of the usual two hour drive to return our son to his FC's this evening we were hampered with an additional hour of heavy traffic which meant the little fella had done five hours of driving today. When we arrived we changed him and dressed him for bed quickly before leaving. All week we had been taking car loads of his clothes, toys and other belongings with us and on leaving tonight we also took with us the last of his things, leaving only what he required over night so that tomorrows handover could be as quick as possible.

Tomorrow we will collect our son and bring him home forever... as a 'forever family'.

Intro Day 6: Hickory Dickory Dock

So today was the day that was supposed to be our 'day off' - a rare thing in the land of parenting I'm sure and maybe something that in a weeks time we will want back! I Joke.

We arrived at the FC's home for around 9am and our little prince was still asleep having gone back for a nap after his breakfast. We waited for about an hour and then decided it was time to give him a nudge and say hello. He is such a joy in the mornings, even when woken he greets you with a lovely smile.

Once woken, changed and dressed the three of us set off for a day of Christmas shopping. We had a really lovely day with our son, looking for a few remaining Christmas gifts for his new Nana and Uncle who both can't wait to meet him. We are looking forward to visiting my family so much this year and spending our baby's first ever Christmas with them - it's going to be so special for everyone.

We had lunch in the food court and this time it was my turn to experience the horror of juggling a baby, nappy and wet-wipes in a baby changing room... not fun.

With all of the gifts checked off the list we stopped by HMV looking for some baby friendly music for the car as becoming a parent makes you take more notie of song lyrics. A week ago I would have been singing along to Cover Drive's "Lick Ya Down" with the best of them, but I was appalled when it came on during a trip to the park yesterday. So with "The Wheels on the Bus" pumping out some 'phatt beatz' we set off back to the FC's home to return our little man for the day. 

A really cute moment on the way home... "Hickory Dickory Dock" came on and suddenly our little boy (who hadn't been that impressed by "10 Current Buns" or "Miss Polly had a Dolly") screamed with laughter and chuckled to himself for the duration of the song. Needless to say we stuck it on repeat and filmed the whole thing on our iPhones to send to the family (and show his mates when he's 21)!

A good day. 

Intro Day 5: Meeting Birth Mother

Today was the half way stage of our introductions and involved two important meetings. We arrived at the Foster Carers (FC)'s home for around 11am and took our boy out for the morning to the local park again to feed the ducks but had to return after just a couple of hours for our 'half-way review' meeting.

Present at this meeting were all the same people who had been at the initial 'introduction planning' meeting, bar our SW who didn't need to be there unless we had raised any concerns with her during the days so far - which we hadn't. The purpose of this meeting was for the Duty Manager from the placing authority to hear from our sons SW, his FC's and also the family finding SW on how the days so far had gone and what we had been up to. Of course the photo of the three of us visiting Santa was proudly presented along with our excited tales of everything we had done so far.

The FC's and ourselves had been in agreement from day two that we felt the intros could really do with being cut short a day (if nothing else to save our baby from another unnecessary four hour car journey) and our SW was in agreement given things had been going well. However the Duty Manager was not on the same page and didn't agree to this plan, unless anyone had a good reason to put forward - I did (I thought). Tomorrow was originally planned to be a 'day off' (from parenting?!) but we had since said we thought this was silly after spending five days phasing into his little life and they had agreed to let us spend time with him tomorrow. So given we were doing an extra day, that in our minds seemed reason enough to bring the final day forward... but alas it wasn't to be, and Thursday would go ahead as planned. Never mind - we would still be bringing our little prince home in just three days!

An hour later, our next meeting was the big one - meeting our sons birth Mother (BM). We followed two SW's in our own car to the meeting place, all the way thinking how this single meeting would be something we needed to remember every detail of to recount to our little one as he grows up, and how it woulds play such a key moment in our new family history.

We had prepared as much as we could for the meeting, drawing up a list of questions which we thought our son might want to ask himself. He has really great life-story work prepared by his SW's team, answering more serious and fundamental questions about family health issues / reasons for adoption etc. so we wanted to ask things that might not be answered, which he may ask us over the years to come. We asked things like "What hand do you write with?", "What's you're favourite colour?" etc etc. Silly things but things that he way want to know.

All week we were unsure if the meeting would actually go ahead as we had been told to prepare for it being cancelled if the team had news that BM had pulled out. As we sat in the children's centre waiting for her to arrive we were still not sure if she would show up, but 20 minutes late we heard the door go and footsteps followed. We were both so so nervous - do we stand to greet her, is shaking her hand to formal when she is responsible for giving us the most precious gift in the world? 

A hug seemed to familiar, so on the SW's advice we opted for the handshake and sat opposite her. Before her arrival I had asked the SW's what structure the meeting would take and checked that one of them would take a lead and introduce us to each other. We decided not to share our names with her for security purposes and instead introduced ourselves as Daddy and Pappa. The details of the short meeting (about 15-20 minutes) I'll save for a personal letter to our little boy to read in time but we got answers to all of the questions we asked and finished with a lovely photo of the three of us sat together - all smiling. And really it's this photo that Pappa and I wanted most out of the meeting, so that we can tell our boy quite honestly in the years to come that his BM met with us and is really happy that he is our son; because in her words; we are able to give him the life that she cannot.

A happy ending to the day and a strange feeling of relief as we drove home having had the last meeting.