Jesus Had Two Daddies!

Week two has been all about settling into our new routine and coming down from the craziness of introductions and moving our son in - chance to finally see what our new family life is going to be like.

I was speaking to my Nana on the phone this week and she was sympathetic to the fact that my fiance and I would not be able to go out and about meeting friends as much now we were 'with child'. In fact the truth is we have never been out so much! We have always been real homebodies anyway, but everyday this week we have had coffee or lunch dates with friends who have been dying to meet the baby. I'm sure this will slow down a little once he has met his public but at the moment we are very much enjoying being 'yummy daddies'.

In other news... We have spent the last week registering our son with all the necessary medical places and have had to explain our alternative family on four occasions so far. Obviously we expect questions to be asked here and there... I guess I have just been surprised by how soon it has happened and by the people who have been most surprised to receive us.

First up, it was off to the Doctor to register our son as a new patient. After a bit of confusion and delay in getting his medical records sent through from his SW we eventually had him registered. As he has had a bit of a cold we thought we would book an appointment straight away so our Doctor could meet him and we could have a little general check-up, we also wanted to get a prescription for his milk formula powder. We wheeled the little fella into see the Doctor and Pappa began to talk to the Doctor first. Then I spoke. "Sorry, who are you?" asked the Doctor. "I'm his dad" I replied. Maybe because our son is mixed-race the Doctor assumed that Pappa was his dad and I was just a friend. You could see the thought process going on in his head before he muttered a simple "Oh... right" and carried on.

Leaving the surgery Pappa took the baby home and I stopped off at the Pharmacy to deal with the prescription. I had managed to get the Doctor to give us a three month supply to save going every week so I handed the slip to the assistant who was unsure that the item was. He asked the Pharmacist who was quick to holler across the shop "Sir, last time you're wife collected the items the next day, can you leave it with us?". I replied saying how kind that was of her but that I didn't have a wife and left it at that.

The next day I slipped out to the Dentist while the little one was having a nap and Pappa was steeping more bibs in Milton Fluid. Since moving to our current house almost 18 months ago neither of us have registered with a local Dentist so it was a good chance to sign us all up together. The receptionist couldn't understand why when I said I wanted to register my 'family' each of us had a different sir name - I think she ended up putting us all under my name because her computer system couldn't handle such a family! My fiance and I do plan to marry in the next couple of years but I will take his sir name in advance at the same time as we officially adopt our son next year so we will have just one family name - the Dentist will be happy :-)

The final an possibly the funniest 'outing' this week has been in setting up a first appointment with a local Health Visitor. Whilst at the Doctor I took down a phone number for a local children's centre where the mobile Health Visitor is based (babies are supposed to have regular visits to check their weight and make sure they are on track and meeting their development milestones etc. See here). I called up, spoke to the receptionist with a brief overview of our situation and she said the HV would call me back. Sure enough she did and I managed to arrange an appointment before our first 'LAC Review' on Friday which she was unable to attend in person (the SW's had asked we invite our HV if possible). During the call she had taken down my name, date of birth and address and the same for Pappa and our son.

My phone rang again a few hours later - it was the HV again. She asked if I could give her our sons NHS number and also Pappa's. Whilst I was looking for their numbers, I asked if she had been able to find my NHS number since she hadn't asked me for my own. She replied "no", saying that she only needed [Pappa's name] as SHE was the mother. How I laughed! Now, Pappa does have a very unusual name which I suppose could be assumed to be female, so there was no call for me to get my 'LGBT flag' out just yet. I corrected her saying he was indeed our sons "Pappa". "Oh" she replied... then who are you? "I'm his Daddy" I informed her. After a very long (#awkward) pause she reminded me of our appointment time and signed off. How funny.

Our friends who adopted last year had already warned us that they are 'outed' by their little-ones all the time and have to 'come out' themselves to complete strangers (shop staff / cashiers / old ladies / florists) on a regular basis when their children are confronted with an adult asking "where's Mummy today?" and it's certainly something that we have to be prepared to do willingly. Not because we need to justify our family to complete strangers but because we want our son to be able to confidently reply to questions like that and not have to be embarrassed or give an excuse. Hopefully if he can see we take on those questions without delay (and without becoming defensive) with a selection of honest 'stock replies' he will feel well equipped to do the same...

...Even though I'm sure children accompanied by a single female parent are not often asked where their Daddy is?! Obviously children out in public with men are all on their way to meet Mummy at the salon! 

One week in...

We have now been a family for one whole week and we are just starting to find our feet and establish a routine as first time parents learning 'on the job'. Now I totally know what friends with children mean when they say their brains have turned to mush. I'm frazzled! 

I keep walking round starting things and never getting anything done. I put the kettle in the morning and pass it three times during the day before finding a mug and tea bag, then another two hours later I re-boil it and add some milk. Then I leave it somewhere and finally drink it cold when the little fella is having a nap - craziness! Another big change to our life is washing - the machine is literally never off! We are weaning him at the moment which means a whole outfit change after every meal (for him and us!).

One questions I have been pondering lately is "who ever thought white baby bibs were a good idea?" There seems to be a toxic orange substance in all baby food that even Vanish can't fight! God knows what it does to the baby?! I have since found the answer... Milton Fluid. Yes it's sterilising fluid, however it's very handy at removing stains from clothes AND from surfaces (like high chairs).

Alas dear readers, when I'm not moaning about the mundane I assure you I am loving every minute of parenthood, and am so so happy to have such a beautiful baby boy who has totally enriched our lives and made our house a home. Nothing beats walking into the nursery on a morning to find our little boy lying on his back in his baby grow with his hands behind his head smiling up at us. We really are gushing proud parents.

In terms of our adoption journey and the next steps...

Our SW visited us the day after move in day just to check we were all OK and to run through the next steps with us. We have a visit tomorrow from our sons SW (to check he is still alive I guess?!) and then next week we have our first LAC (Looked After Child) Review at our house with our SW, our sons SW, the family finding SW and an independent adoption worker. 

We will be apply for the Adoption Order to officially adopt our son in February (10 weeks after move in day) and then it depends on the court you apply to how long it takes them to process the application. At this stage we can give him our family name and wave goodbye to social workers and local authorities unless any of us require any post-adoption support which both authorities are responsible for, for a number of years after.

Our adoption story is not over just yet, but we are certainly heading towards the final hurdle!

A Forever Family!

Today's the day... introductions are complete, now all we have to do it collect our little prince from his Foster Carers and drive home as a Forever Family.

We woke at 5am today to arrive for 9am with instructions to wait outside of the house until our sons Social Worker was present. The plan is that there should be no waiting around, no big goodbye's, not stopping for coffee - just pick up the baby and his final bag of things and leave. I can totally understand why the team want to play it this way to avoid four sobbing adults confusing such a small child given the hard work we have all done so far to make introductions as warm and seamless as possible.

However, in reality the handover was not quite as cold. When we arrived the FC's had two balloons, cards and a big bunch of flowers for us and we also had a heartfelt letter and gift to leave for them. We went into the house briefly with the SW who took a few photos to complete the final chapters of our sons life story book and without much fuss Pappa picked the little man up, we put him into his car seat and reversed out of the driveway.

I was trying to give my full attention to the baby to avoid eye contact with the FC's as we left, because I knew I would become tearful if I looked at them. Pappa was driving but became quite emotional as we were leaving and did shed a few tears - likewise both FC's were teary, understandably so as we drove off with the little boy they had raised since he was just 8 hours old.

So 18 months after starting our adoption journey (plus 40 hours on the road during introductions!) we were finally driving home with our son - just amazing!

We were both nervous to finally have him at home and not be returning him to anyone that night but luckily he slept right through, only waking once in the night for a bottle as he usually does anyway.

... Let family life begin!

Intro Day 7: Final day of Intros

To day was the last day of introductions and luckily we didn't have to do the drive in the morning this time and the FC's brought our baby to us - again part of the 'baby psychology' plan. They were due at our place at 11am, but arrived a little earlier so as I was taking out the rubbish bags I was greeted by the FC carrying my little boy down the path in a carry cot, "Here's you're little Prince" they announced. They didn't stay as the plan for for us to return him late afternoon for the last time before returning tomorrow morning for the big handover.

After lunch the three of us took the dogs for a little walk and came home for a more relaxed afternoon than the previous days we had spent out and about. We watched cartoons, played with the dogs and some of his toys on the new rug we had bought for the lounge floor ('Anti-slip' socks have also been bought to avoid any accidents as he learns to walk on our laminate floors).

After a little nap in his nursery it was time to hit the road. On top of the usual two hour drive to return our son to his FC's this evening we were hampered with an additional hour of heavy traffic which meant the little fella had done five hours of driving today. When we arrived we changed him and dressed him for bed quickly before leaving. All week we had been taking car loads of his clothes, toys and other belongings with us and on leaving tonight we also took with us the last of his things, leaving only what he required over night so that tomorrows handover could be as quick as possible.

Tomorrow we will collect our son and bring him home forever... as a 'forever family'.

Intro Day 6: Hickory Dickory Dock

So today was the day that was supposed to be our 'day off' - a rare thing in the land of parenting I'm sure and maybe something that in a weeks time we will want back! I Joke.

We arrived at the FC's home for around 9am and our little prince was still asleep having gone back for a nap after his breakfast. We waited for about an hour and then decided it was time to give him a nudge and say hello. He is such a joy in the mornings, even when woken he greets you with a lovely smile.

Once woken, changed and dressed the three of us set off for a day of Christmas shopping. We had a really lovely day with our son, looking for a few remaining Christmas gifts for his new Nana and Uncle who both can't wait to meet him. We are looking forward to visiting my family so much this year and spending our baby's first ever Christmas with them - it's going to be so special for everyone.

We had lunch in the food court and this time it was my turn to experience the horror of juggling a baby, nappy and wet-wipes in a baby changing room... not fun.

With all of the gifts checked off the list we stopped by HMV looking for some baby friendly music for the car as becoming a parent makes you take more notie of song lyrics. A week ago I would have been singing along to Cover Drive's "Lick Ya Down" with the best of them, but I was appalled when it came on during a trip to the park yesterday. So with "The Wheels on the Bus" pumping out some 'phatt beatz' we set off back to the FC's home to return our little man for the day. 

A really cute moment on the way home... "Hickory Dickory Dock" came on and suddenly our little boy (who hadn't been that impressed by "10 Current Buns" or "Miss Polly had a Dolly") screamed with laughter and chuckled to himself for the duration of the song. Needless to say we stuck it on repeat and filmed the whole thing on our iPhones to send to the family (and show his mates when he's 21)!

A good day. 

Intro Day 5: Meeting Birth Mother

Today was the half way stage of our introductions and involved two important meetings. We arrived at the Foster Carers (FC)'s home for around 11am and took our boy out for the morning to the local park again to feed the ducks but had to return after just a couple of hours for our 'half-way review' meeting.

Present at this meeting were all the same people who had been at the initial 'introduction planning' meeting, bar our SW who didn't need to be there unless we had raised any concerns with her during the days so far - which we hadn't. The purpose of this meeting was for the Duty Manager from the placing authority to hear from our sons SW, his FC's and also the family finding SW on how the days so far had gone and what we had been up to. Of course the photo of the three of us visiting Santa was proudly presented along with our excited tales of everything we had done so far.

The FC's and ourselves had been in agreement from day two that we felt the intros could really do with being cut short a day (if nothing else to save our baby from another unnecessary four hour car journey) and our SW was in agreement given things had been going well. However the Duty Manager was not on the same page and didn't agree to this plan, unless anyone had a good reason to put forward - I did (I thought). Tomorrow was originally planned to be a 'day off' (from parenting?!) but we had since said we thought this was silly after spending five days phasing into his little life and they had agreed to let us spend time with him tomorrow. So given we were doing an extra day, that in our minds seemed reason enough to bring the final day forward... but alas it wasn't to be, and Thursday would go ahead as planned. Never mind - we would still be bringing our little prince home in just three days!

An hour later, our next meeting was the big one - meeting our sons birth Mother (BM). We followed two SW's in our own car to the meeting place, all the way thinking how this single meeting would be something we needed to remember every detail of to recount to our little one as he grows up, and how it woulds play such a key moment in our new family history.

We had prepared as much as we could for the meeting, drawing up a list of questions which we thought our son might want to ask himself. He has really great life-story work prepared by his SW's team, answering more serious and fundamental questions about family health issues / reasons for adoption etc. so we wanted to ask things that might not be answered, which he may ask us over the years to come. We asked things like "What hand do you write with?", "What's you're favourite colour?" etc etc. Silly things but things that he way want to know.

All week we were unsure if the meeting would actually go ahead as we had been told to prepare for it being cancelled if the team had news that BM had pulled out. As we sat in the children's centre waiting for her to arrive we were still not sure if she would show up, but 20 minutes late we heard the door go and footsteps followed. We were both so so nervous - do we stand to greet her, is shaking her hand to formal when she is responsible for giving us the most precious gift in the world? 

A hug seemed to familiar, so on the SW's advice we opted for the handshake and sat opposite her. Before her arrival I had asked the SW's what structure the meeting would take and checked that one of them would take a lead and introduce us to each other. We decided not to share our names with her for security purposes and instead introduced ourselves as Daddy and Pappa. The details of the short meeting (about 15-20 minutes) I'll save for a personal letter to our little boy to read in time but we got answers to all of the questions we asked and finished with a lovely photo of the three of us sat together - all smiling. And really it's this photo that Pappa and I wanted most out of the meeting, so that we can tell our boy quite honestly in the years to come that his BM met with us and is really happy that he is our son; because in her words; we are able to give him the life that she cannot.

A happy ending to the day and a strange feeling of relief as we drove home having had the last meeting.

Intro Day 4: Our son sees his new home

We were glad to have a day off from the four hour drive today, but even happier that today is the first day our little one will come to his new home, see his nursery and meet his doggies!

Taking advice from our dog trainer we decided that the dogs should first meet the baby outside of the house in a mutual environment. When we got our second dog we employed this technique to introduce him as a puppy to our first dog and it seemed to work pretty well, so when the FC's arrived with our son we had planned for them to call us and we then took the boys (dogs) out on their leads and we all went to the nearby park together. When we returned Pappa carried the little fella around the house on a guided tour which included exciting trips to the garden and of course his new nursery which Pappa and I were both very proud of - though the little one seemed most interested in the kitchen, Typical!

The FC's popped out for a few hours to do some shopping and left us alone. This was a really important part of the introduction planning meeting last week because our son will see that his FC's have left him with us in our home and are happy for him to be here - baby psycology!

While they were gone we played, had lunch and then it was time for a nap. It was so lovely to see our baby son sleeping for the first time in his new cot - just amazing to lay him down in his new nursery... a good chance to test out our new baby monitor too! Of course we kept peeping through the door every few minutes like proud parents watching him sleep. He woke just as the Fc's returned and we attempted to feed him dinner but it wasn't happening - he was refusing to eat. 

One of the most apparent things (and I'm sure other adopters of babies will have found this too) about adopting a very young child who is not yet talking is that we need to learn his language/signs/signals which the FC's have known having him from birth. He is a very content little boy and never cries for no reason, but it's a case of finding out what each type of cry means by process of elimination. If he's been fed, had a bottle, been changed, had a nap and is still crying then it may be time to worry but usually one of the latter seems to do the trick!

Intro Day 3: Visiting Santa

Today was our first full day with our son - just the three of us. We started off by visiting a local park to feed the ducks and then made a really memorable trip to see Santa (who happened to have stopped by a nearby garden centre, which was lucky). I have to say this was really emotional for both Pappa and I - I had so far  managed to hold in any tears at matching panel and even on the first meeting our boy, but carrying our son into a magical grotto to see Santa for his very first Christmas managed to break me! As we entered the grotto with all of the other families it struck me that we were now a family and we were taking our son to see Santa just like the other parents. It was such a lovely experience, we wrote a letter to Santa, made Reindeer food, sang Jingle Bells with the Elves and of course got a present and had our photo taken with Santa.

Pappa and I had a look around the garden centre while the little man had a nap and then we all had lunch in the cafe. Heating up baby jars and feeding a baby in public didn't seem like too much trouble, but changing a baby in a public toilet is another story. Pappa took the little one off one his own while I sat with the shopping and was gone for quite some time. About 20 minutes later a very flustered Pappa and son reappeared. Having changed him myself since in a similar situation I can testify its hard work, not helped by the terrible design and layout of so called 'baby changing areas'. Those pull down changing tables seriously need a re-think! There is seldom anywhere to rest your nappy bags, wet wipes, cream and some of the worse places don't even have a strap to secure the baby so it's very much a juggling act.

We returned to the FC's late afternoon to feed and change our son before enjoying a first bath time with him there. After putting him into one of his adorable baby grows and settling him down for bed we left - just time to send another round of photos and messages to family and friends.

Intro Day 2: Parent & Child Parking

We woke at 5:30am in order to reach the FC's house by 9am today. After such a lovely first day we were looking forward to spending some more time with our new son and gradually phasing into his life over the next week. He was already dressed when we arrived but we were able to feed him breakfast - he loves the little jars of baby porridge - and loves to cover us in it too!

We took the new stroller we had bought with us so that we could get him used to it and use it on any outings during the week. Just as well, because seeing that the meetings were going well and feeling pleased with the clear connection we both felt to our son straight away the FC's suggested that we take him out for an hour or so. Of course we were delighted to have our first alone. We followed the FC in our car and first went to Mothercare to have the fitting of our car seat checked over (I followed the You Tube tutorial but we wanted to have it checked given our previous new cargo), it was great to finally be able to park in the 'Parent & Child' parking spots too!

So after a little look around the shops and buying a few gifts for Christmas together we returned to the FC's house, learnt more about his day to day routine (nappy changes / feeding / sleeping etc) and lefts after loads more kisses and cuddles.

Meeting Our Son: Introductions Begin!

So after weeks of waiting, watching and re-watching DVD's sent by the foster carers and studying the same photos over and over the day finally came to meet our son...

As per our 'Introduction Planning Meeting', our first day was supposed to be a quick visit for around an hour - though in reality I'm sure all the Social Workers (SW's) realise that any parent meeting their child for the first time is never going to leave after just 60 minutes(?!), after waiting for that precious life-changing moment for such a long time.

After recording a little video message on our phone to capture our excitement during the car journey, Pappa and I arrived  at the foster carers (FC's) home just before 12pm and met our son's SW outside - she wasn't actually supposed to be present as the  FC's SW was scheduled to be present but she couldn't resist seeing him meet his new daddies having real affection for him and when we caught that first glimpse of him it's easy to understand why - he's such a cutie he melts the hearts of everyone who meets him.

Opening the door to the lounge the FC's were seated on the sofa alongside their FC, we looked down and there he was; just laying on his front playing with a toy our little prince looked so content watching a show on the television. It's a strange feeling sharing such a momentous moment with 2 FC's and 2 SW's but you have to almost forget they are watching you in order to enjoy that precious moment. I couldn't quite believe it was finally happening.

We both sat down on the floor beside him, called out his name and stroked his back and his little head - he was even smaller than we thought he would be. Just adorable. After a few minutes, and a welcome prompt from one of the FC's I picked him up in my arms. Within moments he turned around to me and nestled his head into my neck, then as I started rocking him and slowing stroking his back his eyes started to close and he fell asleep on his new Daddy. I sat in an armchair and he stayed asleep on me for a good hour.

Whilst he was sleeping the SW's left, suggested that we also leave once he wakes up (sure!). When he did finally wake up I passed the little fella to his Pappa (still waiting for his first cuddle) who was waiting with a bottle for him. He must have been hungry as he began feeding straight away in Pappa's arms - such an amazing sight seeing the two most important men in my life together for the first time.

The FC played the DVD that we had made for him to watch all of last week to become familiar with our voices as as soon as the music started playing he turned his head - it had obviously done it's job! After a little playing on the carpet with the little man we said goodbye for the day and headed off home looking forward to returning the next morning for a little longer. Time to send photos to our friends and relatives who were all on standby for news of our first meeting.